okay.

why do i feel weak?
why do my morals get challenged everyday?

i put on a brave face because i know i have to. my weakness is not allowed in this place anymore and if it is shown, i will be proved wrong. i thought this could be easy. like words were enough. my morals could win in the situation of life and death. if she died. if i never talked to her ever again. if the drug over took the life that i relied on most of my days. what would happen. would she still be on the other side of the IM. or would i be sitting, demoralized and confused. and wondering where the words, that i was told were absolutely true, fell under one person and myself. why didnt i have to be the one to pick up the razor. why wasnt it my fault for not knowing. what if i did know sooner though. what if it didnt last so long. what if she didnt have to look at the razor ever again. but thats the past. and for the words that i speak and write about the past, it's still too hard to erase it from my head. regrets fill my fingers. i didnt know what to do. i didnt know what word was going to make it better. like it was all over and she didnt have to worry about the demons anymore. so i said okay. when i fail with words i say okay. and without the word okay, we would have no other way of showing that we understand and have taken in the improtance of the situation. and following the okay come my words. its as if they wouldnt fulfil the spot that we made. words are our strongest power. and our weakest decision. some day i'll read this over and feel the same depth i felt in that situation. it just goes to show no one has all the answers. no ones going to be able to say no to that tempation. no one can make it all better and make the scars go away forever. no one can create such words from feeling a pain that bigger then the little fingers punching the keyboard day and night. i dont write because its my job. i write because its the answer when i dont know what to say. and for that moment i was word-less. what words could follow the word "cut". what words could make her heart a little better and less broken. none. but one word. and that word is okay.

we follow our morals to the point where their broken.
and we allow ourselfs to fall into temptation.
but when we pick ourselves up and say no.
thats when we feel the reward of strength and bravery.
i couldn't resist the temptation she felt.
all i could do was say okay when i heard it.
what would i do if i felt it?
thats the strength of dodging the bullet.
or in this case, dodging the razor.