i dont care what you think as long as its about me.

i hope to be the best person i can be. i wish to persue every dream i have captured in my hollow head. i will do anything to make myself amazing. i always thought if i was the difference in the world that i could be a better person. if i wore a ring i could prove myself to myself. if i didn't drink that i would remain clean of anything bad for the rest of my life. then i read something i wrote. it said "i will never be a girl with a clean slate and a mouth that has never grasped one swear. i'm not going to be the person everyone loves. but i will never be the person only one person loves." it explained any perplexity that ran through me. it cleared up all the unsolved questions. it made everything go away.
i remembered for that second what i love about being myself and that is that im not perfect. that my flaws are what make me, me. i don't want to be the person that is socially excepted. i don't wish on stars for happiness or love. i just want to be the girl that i was put on this earth to be. no wall or belief can shape me. and for a long time, i thought it could. maybe if i believed in this, i would be better. maybe if i did this, life wouldn't be so hard to face. but thats the point. we can never learn if we avoid the problems and miss out on life. i could sit at home everyday and try and reinvent myself to be something better, more amazing, and greater than what i already am. but that's not what im going to do. im going to step out on the front porch and let the world see me.
i wanted for so long to be better. i wanted to be accepted. but i was trying to impress myself. i can never seem to please myself. i wish i could and thats the truth. i think we all do. but it's just not something thats relevent. we need a little of confusion to keep our minds nimble. we need a little hurt in order to become stronger and smarter. we need everything the world gives us to continue on living the life we were supposed to live.
i believe people don't have the right to say that they had no choice to live another life. if you followed your head and your heart, you could. if i thought about what your worth, you could. if you realized life is for the taking and that we should live it as long as we can, you could. but not many people understand the world like some. i hope one day i can understand most of it but its never fun to know it all. a little mystery is fitting in this big bad world.
i always wanted to make something outstanding. may it be a writing, a hug, a smile, or a drawing. and i thought if i did, i could make everything fit together. like life would never throw me a curveball and i would get all that i dreamt of. but thats not the truth nor the reality. i will fail a hundred times before i succeed. i could tell a million people my story until someone draws something from it. i could give up ten times before i realized the eleventh is not happening. right now, i could ask for pitty. i could ask that you give me back the time i wasted perfecting myself. but that's not what im going to do. from today on. from this writing on. i will be the person i was meant to be. no religion, ring, or philosiphy will shape my character. im proud of myself. i hope i accomplish everything i want. i wish i could have the best life of all. but most importantly, i will be the fruitloop in the box of cheerios with no help but by being myself.